RBS Card Services: IVR Fail

... or "How to annoy an IVR programmer," the "IVR Programmer" would be me.

I was checking over one of my credit card statements when I noticed that a restaurant I ate in a couple weeks ago seems to have given themselves an extra bit of gratuity. So I needed to call RBS Card Services to open a dispute case.

I knew I was off to a bad start when it started out with "please listen carefully as our menus have changed." Changed when? From what? I know it's hard to believe, RBS, but I didn't memorize your previous menu layout, and I don't remember the last time I called you. I do remember that it wasn't a very pleasant call, which is one reason I had put this card away and not used it for awhile. But I needed a card to separate some business travel expenses on, so I grabbed this one.

Anyway, AFTER I'd started to listen carefully, I got the dreaded "for English, press 1." Now just suppose that I didn't speak English. That "menus have changed" message sure would have done a lot of good, eh?

Next, I'm asked to select from "account information" or "respond to a call or letter asking [me] to confirm charges." Press 1 or 2, that's it. So I press 1 and have to enter my card number and ZIP code. No biggie. But then they want my CVV, which of course is on the card, and the card has been put away until the next business trip.

OK, I get through that, and immediately, the system tries to get me to "activate" some bogus profit opportunity for RBS. No account information yet. And the marketing message seems to be uninterruptible, since pounding the 0 key isn't getting me anywhere. Finally the IVR gives me my current balance and I start camping on 0 again. I think while I was doing that, they were teling me how many of my questions could be answered at their website. I should check it out, just to see how bad it is. To complete the trifecta of bad message practices, I get the ol' "due to higher than expected call volumes" shinola.

They're not satisfied, though. They're going for bonus points by having an annoying music loop that is interrupted EVERY THIRTY SECONDS by "Please continue to hold. Our service representatives are still assisting other customers. Your call is important to us and will be answered by the next available representative." As the display on my cordless handset shows that I've been on the phone for 25 minutes now, I guess I've heard how that recording over 40 times. (I'm cutting them some slack for the couple minutes it took me to get to the hold queue).

OK, RBS, here's the thing. If my call was important to you, I wouldn't be in queue for 25 minutes. You'd hire people to staff your call centers and/or get a whole lot better and planning so that you wouldn't have "higher than expected" call volumes. Nor would getting through your system to the point where I can get into queue be such a nightmare of worst practices.